Throwing In The Towel...
To the best of my knowledge only about two or three of my posts have been (or should have been taken) in complete and total seriousness. I guess it is safe to say that this one will be the next. Most, if not all, of the people that come across my blog I consider good friends so I figured this would be a good spot to share. With 2005 coming to a close and looking back, the year has been very bitter-sweet. Sometimes the trials and frustrations just get the best of people and the person just wants to quit. I think I have come (or am coming) to that point.
These past two weeks have been by far the most frustrating of the entire year. I'm sick of the lies. I'm sick of friends lying to me. I'm sick of seminary. I'm sick Southern Baptists. And, most importantly, I'm sick of typical Baptist backstabbing. If you haven't figured yet...I'm pretty much just sick. While in my sickness I have come to the realization that these are things I will be forced to deal with in my ministry career until the day I die or retire. I was then forced to ask myself, "Is this something I'll be able to tolerate while maintaining my sanity?" Let's face it, if I can't handle it now I'll probably handle it never. The problem that I'm faced with is that I'm bound by this call. God called me here. I wouldn't have made it this far without Him. The whole thing has just felt pretty hopeless. While contemplating all these things at 2:30am I still had three papers due this week in my classes. I packed up my stuff and headed out to IHOP to get away, think, and write.
The first paper on the agenda was a philosophical paper on capital punishment. While I typed away on my laptop, the environment at IHOP was quiet and serene. I was the only customer in the whole place by 3:30am as I sipped my coffee while trying to put a conflicted heart on the backburner and researching the hermeneutical background of Exodus 21. The only noise at this point was background music at IHOP and the subtle hum of my computer. God can use just about anything and anyone to speak to us. In this case it was background music. While typing out, "Love your enemies," in my my paper, Lifehouse's song Spin hit the speakers. Maybe I subconsciously needed a break from the paper, but I like to believe that God had something better in mind than just a break. When I received the call to ministry, this was actually the praise song that I sang shortly after. I honestly cannot remember hearing it or singing it since that time (over two years ago). The words go like this:
Why would I chase your shadow all my life
And be afraid of my own?
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know
When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing
Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure about anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way
When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing
Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found its meaning
You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing
It was in this moment God spoke to my heart. First came the obvious: "People can (and sometimes will) be mean, selfish, and cold-hearted." Then came the realization: "You can be no different!" Then came the command: "Do this for Me and nothing else. If you do this for praise, people, or popularity you WILL lose your sanity, your passion, and your mind. Make no doubt about it, at times this will be hard and you'll want to quit, but I am with you and my grace is suffiecient."
In all cases where I conflict and fight with God, He wins. He won this one too. Luckily this semester and year is almost over. Better than that, it's never too late to ask for forgiveness. With that in mind, if I've been mean or selfish toward you, please accept my humblest apology. My calling involves service and as Gregory the Great once said, I am "the servant of the servants of God." I've learned a lot since I've been here, but I still have a lot left to learn. May this post find you well. Maybe this is something that will encourage you or someone in the weeks and months to come. Either way, take care and God bless.
These past two weeks have been by far the most frustrating of the entire year. I'm sick of the lies. I'm sick of friends lying to me. I'm sick of seminary. I'm sick Southern Baptists. And, most importantly, I'm sick of typical Baptist backstabbing. If you haven't figured yet...I'm pretty much just sick. While in my sickness I have come to the realization that these are things I will be forced to deal with in my ministry career until the day I die or retire. I was then forced to ask myself, "Is this something I'll be able to tolerate while maintaining my sanity?" Let's face it, if I can't handle it now I'll probably handle it never. The problem that I'm faced with is that I'm bound by this call. God called me here. I wouldn't have made it this far without Him. The whole thing has just felt pretty hopeless. While contemplating all these things at 2:30am I still had three papers due this week in my classes. I packed up my stuff and headed out to IHOP to get away, think, and write.
The first paper on the agenda was a philosophical paper on capital punishment. While I typed away on my laptop, the environment at IHOP was quiet and serene. I was the only customer in the whole place by 3:30am as I sipped my coffee while trying to put a conflicted heart on the backburner and researching the hermeneutical background of Exodus 21. The only noise at this point was background music at IHOP and the subtle hum of my computer. God can use just about anything and anyone to speak to us. In this case it was background music. While typing out, "Love your enemies," in my my paper, Lifehouse's song Spin hit the speakers. Maybe I subconsciously needed a break from the paper, but I like to believe that God had something better in mind than just a break. When I received the call to ministry, this was actually the praise song that I sang shortly after. I honestly cannot remember hearing it or singing it since that time (over two years ago). The words go like this:
Why would I chase your shadow all my life
And be afraid of my own?
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know
When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing
Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure about anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way
When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing
Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found its meaning
You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing
It was in this moment God spoke to my heart. First came the obvious: "People can (and sometimes will) be mean, selfish, and cold-hearted." Then came the realization: "You can be no different!" Then came the command: "Do this for Me and nothing else. If you do this for praise, people, or popularity you WILL lose your sanity, your passion, and your mind. Make no doubt about it, at times this will be hard and you'll want to quit, but I am with you and my grace is suffiecient."
In all cases where I conflict and fight with God, He wins. He won this one too. Luckily this semester and year is almost over. Better than that, it's never too late to ask for forgiveness. With that in mind, if I've been mean or selfish toward you, please accept my humblest apology. My calling involves service and as Gregory the Great once said, I am "the servant of the servants of God." I've learned a lot since I've been here, but I still have a lot left to learn. May this post find you well. Maybe this is something that will encourage you or someone in the weeks and months to come. Either way, take care and God bless.
posted by Trigun at 5:56 AM
6 Comments:
Josh,
The beauty of your soul intrigues me.
I wrote you something...
Beautiful frailty.
Hangs -- a shade
Of its former self.
Brittle in my hands.
I try to hold,
To keep it
Beautiful.
But it’s never like
As when
It still had life.
Eventually, hands
Snap off shards
That crumble down -
Blow away with
Gentle breezes.
But in the now,
It will remain
Beautiful.
-LRW
Wow, your developing quite the fan club Mr. Slocum.
I've been learning the ministry hardships lesson this past year too. This summer I was standing with my former pastor waiting to board a plane and he was asking me about my job and stuff. All I remember telling him was how I never would imagined how hard ministry would be--not from the workload standpoint, but how hard it is sometimes dealing with people. You're held to such a higher standard and you're "supposed" to be godly and do the right thing 24/7. It's hard to live under the expectation of perfection. But the Lord is so amazingly faithful to remind me about who I'm working for. I also literally have a stack of notecards with scriptures on them that I will sit and read through when I'm frustrated...God's Word is powerful at changing hearts and attitudes.
Hey man, I just want to tell you thank you for just your welcoming spirit these past few weeks at Wedgwood. It has been a real blessing to know that you are not going to hide your opinion just so people won't think you are weird or cool, or whatever people think... What I am trying to say is that it's awesome that you don't really care about trying to please other people. Quite frankly, we need more bold people not only at seminary, but as we face this battle against Satan.
Also, thank you for inviting me to watch Jarhead with you. It was a fantabulous movie.
Just wanted to say thanks for your friendship and hope it can grow more throughout the rest of this year and in 2006.
God bless,
Nick J. Brown
your mom
that is probably the most honest and sincere piece of writing that i have ever read- i feel ya, and it blessed my heart! hope this find you well and congrats that the semester is almost over
I think you should channel your frustration and anger into kicking Bob in the nads! Since he's been gone from home, I think he's starting to miss it. It's mutually beneficial. You get a target and Bob gets to have that ever paranoid feeling I know he misses.
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